The coronavirus is a foe unlike any in recent memory. The pandemic has ground the global economy to a halt, killed thousands, and caused millions to stay in their homes until it can be contained. Scientists and politicians have come up with a number of plans on how best to confront the threat, but there’s really only one man we trust for the job: Chuck Norris. The 80-year-old action hero is the guy we want on the frontlines against this threat, but how would Chuck fight the coronavirus? We’ve got a few ideas.
Run It Over With A Motorcycle Inside A Shopping Mall
With malls around the nation closed, there’s no better time for Chuck to hop on his bike and go speeding through one looking for the coronavirus. There’s no danger of running over any pedestrians in an empty mall, meaning Chuck can be as reckless as he needs to be to take the virus out.
Kick It Through A Car Windshield
Viruses evolve all the time; that’s why there’s a new flu vaccine every year. But what if the coronavirus evolves to the point where it’s able to drive a car? No worries, Chuck has a plan for that. He’ll simply sprint at the car head-on, leap into the air, and kick through the windshield so that his foot hits ol’ COVID-19 square in the jaw. Problem solved.
Stare It Down Like A Bear Until It Runs Away
As scary as the coronavirus is, at the end of the day it still isn’t as scary as a bear. And since Chuck Norris has the innate ability to communicate with all living things on a spiritual level, he should be able to simply Jedi mind trick the coronavirus into going away — just like he’s done with bears countless times before.
Break Its Nose, Fix Said Nose, Then Break Its Nose Again
The coronavirus has caused a lot of pain and suffering all over the world, so you know what? It deserves to be toyed with before being defeated. We have no issue at all with Chuck breaking the virus’s nose, resetting it, and then insulting the virus before breaking its nose again with even more force. Good luck finding a good plastic surgeon, coronavirus!
Set It On Fire & Kick It Out A Window Into Flammable Liquids
COVID-19 has proven to be pretty tough to kill. There’s no vaccine available yet, and most countries are still struggling to contain the spread of the virus through quarantine measures. So it’s up to Chuck to kill this virus, and to make sure it stays dead. That means lighting it on fire… and kicking it out a three-story window… and making sure it lands in a collection of flammable liquids, causing them to explode. (Don’t try this at home, your best defense against the coronavirus is still social distancing.)
During this crisis, your best bet is to spend your time safely at home with Chuck Norris by watching Walker, Texas Ranger, airing weeknights on CHARGE! at 7/6 C.
This article was written in jest in an attempt to lift people’s spirits during this trying time. For actual helpful information about the coronavirus outbreak and how to remain safe and prepared, please consult the CDC guidelines here.