As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to rage across the globe, more and more old TV shows are seeing revivals of one type or another. The latest, and arguably greatest, is classic mobster series The Sopranos, which has a brand new quarantine-based scene courtesy of series creator David Chase.
The new scene was unveiled on the podcast Talking Sopranos by hosts (and former stars of the show) Michael Imperioli and Steve Schirripa, and it marks the first time that Chase has written for the characters he created since the series finale back in 2007. In the new scene, Tony Soprano, his family, and some of his associates are dealing with the coronavirus-induced quarantine — just like the rest of us — and giving their opinions on the matter. “Things are tough right now with all the bad news and things that are going on, it’s nice to have something to laugh about,” Imperioli said, according to Vulture. “David thought it was important to bring some levity to the world, and he wrote these lines about the Soprano characters relating to the coronavirus.”
Now, if you’re thinking that the scene in question is going to answer the big questions you have about the show’s infamous finale, don’t hold your breath. It includes some characters who were whacked during the course of the series, placing the scene in some sort of an alternate reality rather than a canon continuation of the series. So with that disclaimer out of the way, here’s how the scene went down on the podcast, as transcribed by Vulture:
TONY SOPRANO
Sports betting? F—king gone with the wind, along with professional sports. Me and my friends are dying over here. The president might have a point. Let’s get business and manufacturing going again — by Easter, May Day, whatever the f—k.
MEADOW SOPRANO
I should’ve gone to medical school. I feel so bad about my decision.
CARMELA SOPRANO
I’m so glad my daughter didn’t go to medical school. Imagine where’d she be right now.
CHRISTOPHER MOLTISANTI
I’ve been to Hollywood. Out there they should call it the swine flu.
ADRIANA LA CERVA
I’d volunteer or something. I feel so bad. I’ve been crying a lot, but I got an underlying condition. Irritable bowel syndrome, right? I can’t reach my doctor to find out if that would exclude me passing out masks or something.
DR. MELFI
I’m on the second line over the hospital. When and if those brave docs burn out, I’m out next.
A.J. SOPRANO
At one time I wanted to work for Trump. You believe it? F—k me, dude.
CARMELA
We’re not doing well with the quarantine in our house. It’s making me face the music that this is a dysfunctional family. But it’s keeping my husband in, which is good.
TONY
Bing f—kin’ shut down, my income stream was already compromised. We can keep the pork store open, though, essential critical infrastructure. Pork!
SILVIO DANTE
We told the girls we’d keep them all on furlough. Lap dancers were the first to go.
JUNIOR SOPRANO
What’s everybody upset about?
JOHNNY SACK
It used to be part of our thing, going to the mattresses. But this?
BOBBY BACALA
Yes, that’s all emergency. I took all this s—t because I got my predictions about it wrong. They said Quasimodo, T said Nostradamus, my wife bought a Nostradamus book, and I looked and it didn’t say anything about this. Weird thing is, though, my son Robert went to Notre Dame.
JUNIOR:
I saw on Fox this jerk-off, the lieutenant governor of Texas, said he didn’t mind dying to help the economy because he’s over 70 with some grandkids or some shit. Maybe we can help him out with that.
PHIL LEOTARDO
Truckload of hand sanitizer, I’m cleaning up.
TONY
In my father’s day, you got polio, tuberculous, whatever the f—k, you dealt with it. Whatever happened to Gary Cooper?
LIVIA SOPRANO
You know what I’m gonna say.
Well, it’s safe to say that Chase hasn’t lost his touch for how these characters sound and behave. The scene itself isn’t really so much a scene as a stream of consciousness from several characters, but it’s still humorous to see how these old Jersey mobsters would react when faced with our current pandemic. Maybe Chase will write some more scenes in the future, but for now, we’re content with just enjoying this speculative trip down mafia memory lane.
